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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*st*rds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*st*rds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language..'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Author	Message
Mike G6TJS Paid up Member Posts : 491 Location : South Molton Status : Offline	More funny stuff A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bstrds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bstrds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language..' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added........... 'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen. ---------------------- Question: What's the difference between people and sheep. Answer: Less than you first thought.
Fri 18 Dec 2009 @ 11:13
Mike G6TJS Paid up Member Posts : 491 Location : South Molton Status : Offline	Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman’s Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
Fri 18 Dec 2009 @ 11:17
Mike G6TJS Paid up Member Posts : 491 Location : South Molton Status : Offline	Nativity Performances: Please follow guidelines for inclusion of any of the songs below. The Rocking Song Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you: Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. Jingle Bells Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. While Shepherds Watched While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows. You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place. Little Donkey Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. We Three Kings We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves. Away in a Manger Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services???????
Fri 18 Dec 2009 @ 11:23
m3tmh Paid up Member Posts : 305 Location : 10-20. Status : Offline	hahahaha great I heard the quality st. one before a long time ago...couldn't remember it
Fri 18 Dec 2009 @ 17:33
luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1450 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline	Mike G6TJS wrote: A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bstrds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bstrds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language..' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added........... 'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen. Something tells me you didn't go to work today! Christmas holls then! ---------------------- Paul Luggar luggsey@hotmail.com www.m0sci.co.uk Amsat Member
Fri 18 Dec 2009 @ 20:22
Mike G6TJS Paid up Member Posts : 491 Location : South Molton Status : Offline	I've been off all week Paul, but back to work tomorrow (Saturday) and most of next week and New Year week
Fri 18 Dec 2009 @ 21:07
	Time in GMT

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