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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline 
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A funny. We have a huge council house in our street.A grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs runs the extended family. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. The daughter's had a couple of busted marriages, and keeps getting turned over for speeding. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are totally out of control. .......... Honestly - who'd live anywhere near Windsor Castle ? !!! ---------------------- |
 Fri 18 Jan 2008 @ 22:14
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M3MSU Paid up Member Posts : 897 Location : Home of radio silence! Barnstaple! Status : Offline 
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Oh Dear. |
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Sat 19 Jan 2008 @ 14:48
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Anonymous Unregistered Posts : Location : |
I didn't know you had moved.... |
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Mon 21 Jan 2008 @ 12:10
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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A guy goes to the supermarket & notices an attractive woman waving athim. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't placewhere he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"; to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes & says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher __________________ |
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Wed 23 Jan 2008 @ 16:13
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falcon Free Member Posts : 8 Location : Braunton North Devon Status : Offline 
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Children! Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children.Those that already have will recognise the analogy. Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel . . . 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off  Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10) Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems. 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag . 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Test 5 Forget the 7 and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining - family cars don't look like that. 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2 ) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. 3 ) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. 4 ) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There..... perfect! Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1) Wait 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. 6) Go out again. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. Walk back up it. 9) Walk down it again. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 Questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12) Retrace your steps. 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. 14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9 1) Hollow out a melon. 2) Make a small hole in the side. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side 4) Now get a bowl of soggy Cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. 5) Continue until half the Cornflakes are gone. 6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make ? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? Test 12 Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" (occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it. 2)Stir. 3)Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 4)Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. 5)Do NOT change. You have no time. 6)Go directly to work. Test 15 Go for a drive, but first. . . . 1)Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls. 2)Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3)Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car. 4)While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. 5)For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop. Got this far???.... You are now ready to have kids! |
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Thu 24 Jan 2008 @ 15:35
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falcon Free Member Posts : 8 Location : Braunton North Devon Status : Offline
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU, LORD? " The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-HOCKEY RINK." ---------------------- |
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Fri 01 Feb 2008 @ 22:01
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen." ---------------------- |
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Fri 01 Feb 2008 @ 22:51
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M3MSU Paid up Member Posts : 897 Location : Home of radio silence! Barnstaple! Status : Offline
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luggsey-M0SCI wrote: A guy goes to the supermarket & notices an attractive woman waving athim. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't placewhere he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"; to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes & says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher __________________ And the cheesyest joke of the day award goes to: ---------------------- |
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Sun 03 Feb 2008 @ 13:39
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M3MSU Paid up Member Posts : 897 Location : Home of radio silence! Barnstaple! Status : Offline
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luggsey-M0SCI wrote: A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen." And the "made my tea squirt out of my nostrils" award goes to: ---------------------- |
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Sun 03 Feb 2008 @ 13:45
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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Test for Dementia Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you? Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe. Fourth Question: Annet's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Annet.! Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action ! of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you! ---------------------- |
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Mon 04 Feb 2008 @ 22:25
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?' At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 'You shag her again.' ---------------------- |
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Fri 08 Feb 2008 @ 21:25
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." *************************************************** ---------------------- |
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Thu 14 Feb 2008 @ 20:53
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. .............. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' ---------------------- |
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Fri 15 Feb 2008 @ 20:43
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M3MSU Paid up Member Posts : 897 Location : Home of radio silence! Barnstaple! Status : Offline
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I am totally baffled by this "Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total? " If you treat each calculation as an individul sum than it adds up to 5000. If you press 1000+30+1000 etc etc then it adds up to 4100! Whats going on there?!!!!! ---------------------- |
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Sat 16 Feb 2008 @ 12:46
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Anonymous Unregistered Posts : Location : |
1000+10 your brain automaticly rounds up the numbers1000 40 1000 30 1000 20 1000 10 the sum is used at seminars quite a lot,just to prove that the mind can play tricks without you really knowing about it. Ken ---------------------- |
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Sat 16 Feb 2008 @ 13:16
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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When you get to 4090 and add ten it's 4100 not 5000. Easy! 
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Sat 16 Feb 2008 @ 17:19
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Colin Birch Admin Posts : 394 Location : Pontypridd, S.Wales Status : Offline
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In the cemetery I was in the cemetery earlier. I saw four men carrying a coffin around and around. 3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin wandering around and around. I thought to myself 'they've lost the plot!'.---------------------- |
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Fri 22 Feb 2008 @ 14:46
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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"I'd like a loan," said the frog. "How much?" said Mr Whack. "A million would be nice," replied the frog. "Name please." "Kermit Jagger." "Do you have any collateral?" "Yes," said the frog and produced a small statuette of a pixie." Mr Whack looked at it askance. "I'll have to consult the manager." He went into the manager's office and showed him the application form. "What sort of collateral is that supposed to be? " he said, holding up the pixie. The Manager replied... * * * * * * * * * * * * Wait for it * * * * * * * * * * * * You won't be able to stand it * * * * * * * * * * * * "It's a knick knack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone." _________________ If you have benefited from advice on this site please consider contributing to a cancer charity. An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow". Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!! To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat". Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. One confirmed it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him about his previous employer. He replies: "The army. I served in the Royal Artillery for three years. Last duty in Iraq". The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." The guy adds "And previously in Afghanistan" The interviewer says, "Great, even more points for that." The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer says, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?" "This is the local council you'll be working for," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls. Not much point in you coming in for that." Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable A middle aged man bought a brand new Ferrari He took off down the road, pushed it up to 100 mph and was enjoying the acceleration. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 150 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled up and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir." A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving!" This one is a true story - my mother still has the little diary that she wrote it down in. When my sisters were very young (and not yet been told about the birds and the bees) they were very attached to their dolls. At the time, they had just had their booster vaccinations, with the accompanying 'be brave, now' lecture from the doctor/nurse/parents that an injection gave them all kinds of good things ie immunity, germ killing etc. They were playing mummies one day when youngest said, musingly "I wonder where babies come from"? "Oh, that's easy" said the older girl. "All you need is a little prick"! Out of the mouths of babes and innocents! 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in...what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through to G? Life would be much better lived backwards You'd start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then ......... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case. Two questions. Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolf Hitler If you said yes to the abortion question... ...you just killed Beethoven. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter. (This is the State's Letter!) SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division ** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: ** Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. THANK YOU. RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid". One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid". The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- £50 quid is £50 quid.......!" How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding? She is the pregnant one. What do you call a large group of chavs decending on a pub? A Chavalanche. What do you call a chav in a suit? The accused. Love thy neighbour A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion."Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man. What do chavs call a garden pond? A jacussi innit! QANTAS Airlines : Repair Division In case you need a laugh : Remember it takes a university degree to fly a plane , but only a TAFE diploma to fix one After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems : document their repairs on the form , and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way , Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft P: Something loose in cockpit S; Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield S: Live bugs on back order P:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear S: Evidence removed P: DME volume unbelievably loud S: DME volume set to more believable level P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF Mode S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode P:Suspect crack in windshield S: Suspect you're right P: Number 3 engine missing S: Engine found on right wing after brief search P: Aircraft handles funny .......... S: Aircraft warned to straighten up , fly right and be serious P: Target radar hums S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics P: Mouse in cockpit S: Cat installed P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer S: Took hammer away from midget 1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit. 2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted 3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. 4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit. 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?" 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand 15. What do u call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. 18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything. 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit." 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the carwash 22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. 23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner. 24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." 25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society More I hear you say! The chav car- 1 - The chav will most probably be wearing burbarry and cheap gold from Argos. Remember, they have no taste and it gives them away. 2 - The chav will stare at you, because he thinks he's hard. He's not. He's a  . Be sure to tell him so. "Oi, chav... yer a !" should do the trick.
3 - His car will be sh1t. This one's a giveaway sign. He'll drive a small, cheap car because that's all his benefit, or fudge packing job will allow him to buy. He will think he's driving a Subaru Impreza, he's not. Tell him so. 4 - His car will have lights on it that flash in sequence. It's a special code that means 'I am a , with a censored car. Laugh at me and tell me so".
5 - He'll be a .
6 - When he sits in his car, he will barely be able to see over the steering wheel. This is because he is a , and is under the impression that by lowering his seat he somehow looks 'cool'. He doesn't... don't forget to tell him so.
7 - His car will sound like your dad's hedge trimmer. This is because he's fitted a Halfords exhaust on a car with a tiny engine. He thinks it makes his car sound powerful. It doesn't. You know what to do. 8 - The chav moves in herds for protection. You will find them in McDonalds car parks, and other areas where they can gather to congratulate each other on their impressive beasts. This is a good opportunity to strike, scattering them as they flee in terror. 9 - Don't forget, the chav is a .
10 - Finally, and most importantly, the chav drives a very slow car, but is under the mis-guided impression that it's fast. Race him, he will most likely kill himself as the weight of his fibreglass add-ons cause his car to topple on bends. Remember, the more chavs you kill, the more bouqets of flowers are left on roadsides. Boquets are nice, they brighten the place up. Kill a chav, make your town look nice! LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre. Variation Law: If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (Too true!!) ---------------------- |
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Fri 22 Feb 2008 @ 18:51
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to there room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing me.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor . . . . But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.' In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter' At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That’s my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!' ---------------------- |
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Fri 22 Feb 2008 @ 23:07
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luggsey-M0SCI Admin Posts : 1446 Location : Barnstaple, North Devon. Status : Offline
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What starts with F and ends with K?? A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3r d grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" ! Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... " ---------------------- |
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Fri 29 Feb 2008 @ 18:39
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